Ah..how we all love thinking about our past. What we've done, actions we regret, our happy moments..
From time to time, often during lull moments, I reflect on my life. I think we all do, some of us more frequently than others. Just like drugs, reflections can have different effects on different people. Used correctly, drugs could be utilised as medicine, curing illnesses. Abused, it's fatal. In the same way, reflections could be beneficial, letting us feel refreshed after one and preventing us from repeating past mistakes. However, they become detrimental to our health when we're too absorbed in it, in other words, when we kept thinking about it, lamenting about the stupid mistakes we've made and
refusing to move on.
Today, as I did my mundane exercise routine in the gym (I wish I could say I love it, like many people do. But I can't :p I only love the results after going to it), I reflected on my past for about 2 hours as I worked my fats off...
I'm gonna start from the very beginning.
The topic of childhood often comes up in conversations, regardless of gender, location or event. How we all love to talk about the 'carefree years', the precious golden years that would never return. How many times have you heard someone (or even yourself) say, "How I wish I could be a child again.." ? I have heard that statement countless times from many different people, and have said it myself a few times too, mostly for social reasons. Indeed, most of us have no/insignificant problems when we were children. Since problems cause us to be unhappy, we then perceive those 'problem-free' years as being the best years of our life, the moments when we were happiest. However, if I were to be given a choice now whether I'd want to return to being a child again, I'd say.. hell no. Yes, I did have a very carefree childhood, like I assume majority of us do. I couldn't remember being dragged by any problem. I can remember going to my neighbour's (who was also my best friend then) house everyday after school to hang out, playing badminton and tennis with my sisters, laughing..and..that's it really. There was zero unhappiness, but there's also no truly significant happy/meaningful moments. Looking at my very first passport, I even found out that I had been to thailand.. without retaining any memory concerning the trip. Personally, my childhood was almost a blur. It's like watching an old tape where most of the scenes contain static, but you'd still get the major plot after watching the whole movie. It was certainly carefree, at the same time hardly meaningful.
Life only seemed to start when my very first problem emerged. This was when I had my very first crush in grade 6, and of course, along with it, my very first heartbreak. Looking back, it was just puppy-love crush, but at that time it was my first, so it did seem real enough. It was the first time I experienced slightly more vivid emotions. Dark ones they were, dejection and anger. Tears were shed and the healing process began..and complete. My emotions became richer, more vivid and memorable. When I'm happy, I'm
happier.
And then came the teenage years in secondary school (grade 7-10). I made close friends, enemies, loved, played, etc. I went through many more meaningful times, new problems, and enriched my emotions even more. I had what we perhaps call the 'typical' teenage girl's life.
Moving on, I went to junior college (year 11-12). God, how I hated it. It was awful, I hated it with a passion. There were so many factors that made me hate it, so little reasons to like it. After the first year, I perpetually cursed myself, wishing I had gone overseas instead of attending jc. However, now, if I have the privilege to make that choice again, I'd make the same choice. I would attend jc again. I know, shocking ! If my close friends are reading this right now ( I don't know if they are, they like to do things secretly :P HOR ? *coughs*), they'd be really surprised, because they knew how miserable I was.
Those 2 years, without a doubt, had been the most miserable 2 years of my life. However, I also learnt a lot..a whole lot. SO here's my reasons for hating it in the past, and cherishing it now because of the lessons it taught me:
It was extremely academically-focused. Heavy workload, pressure to do better than your classmates, and to score well for A lvls. It was extremely discouraging, because I was a straight As student in secondary school with little effort, and suddenly I had to be a slave to my textbooks and notes every single day (including weekends) just to get an average grade, or sometimes merely to pass a subject. I had a few friends who were dejected because of the same reasons, some cried, some lost weight, and one of them even told me that he/she felt 'stupid' because he/she did worse than our classmates. I couldn't console him/her, because I felt that way myself sometimes. I just kept it to myself. Eventually, I got used to studying and it got easier, but it took me more than a year to do so. It was very discouraging.
I realised that the key to get good grades is by
liking what you're learning. The students who got the highest scores in each subject each has passion for that subject. Hence, when they study for a chapter, they didn't limit themselves to the supplied notes, but also searched the library for textbooks and references relating to what's covered in that chapter, and read them enthusiastically. I can relate to this, because I do the same for the things I'm passionate about, like fashion and currently, 3d digital rendering. Of course, many of us didn't take the subjects we were taking due to passion in all of them. The key is to change your mindset, change how you feel about the subject. It's undoubtedly difficult, but it's do-able. Hence, instead of hating to study it, keep an open mind and treat it like something intriguing, something new to be learnt, something interesting. It works incredibly.
More importantly, I learnt to keep an open and inquisitive way of thinking for everything else. This is also because I had a brilliant teacher/mentor who taught the class to see things in another perspective. He taught us to question and think about everything we see, from common objects we spot on the streets to people's behaviour and events that unfold. For example, when you see a breathtaking work of achitecture on the streets, admire it for a moment, and then you might want to wander off to think about how long it must have taken to build that building, how far we have advanced, how marvelous is the pyramid...etc etc. It's not only fun, it's also highly enriching, creates interesting conversation topics and makes you more knowledgeable when you take the extra step to research about it, or even to simply converse with your peers about it.
Another concept i've learnt is to be open to other people's opinions and ideas. Of course, you should have your own opinions. The crucial part is to be able to listen to other perspectives, think about them carefully and finally decide if you wanna adopt that new perspective. I've learnt not to dispose of other people's opinions too quickly, but to listen to and consider them. Not only will this make the people you talk to happy, it also propels you to re-examine your thoughts, expands your mindset and makes you more intellectual.
I've also developed the great habit of completing every task with my best effort. This I learnt from my classmates, who were very hardworking individuals. It gives me immense satisfaction in achieving my greatest potential. It feels good. However, it's also a double-edged sword as I tend to blame myself endlessly when I don't achieve what I know I could've, and I know I have great potentials (not trying to show off), so I always give myself high (but manageable) expectations. I see this as a favourable thing as it compels me to work harder and hence, to deliver my best.
Those are the things that I've learnt, thanks to the rigid and heavy academic syllabus, perfectionist schoolmates and a few great teachers.
Above all, I've found a purpose in life, and that's to make the lives of people around me easier/happier/more meaningful. Credits to my teacher who stresses on humanity, chapel sessions every week (I don't believe in God, but I do honour the values the they teach during those sessions, such as being more selfless and forgiving, etc), and also a few selfless and mature classmates. For example, one guy refused to join our class outing (we were going to watch a movie) because he wanted to save his allowance to pay for a portion of his university fees. Another guy drove a really cheap car because he simply doesn't need a better one. Both are nowhere near poor. In fact, one of them is really rich. lol. Another believes in the good of everyone. I like their maturity and selflessness, so I decided to be like that too. I used to ask my parents for what I liked, and I usually get it (yes i was rather spoiled..haha ._.). However, about 2 years ago I changed that selfish and I would say, very immature character of mine, because I started to hate it. Now, I save for all the things that I like, and it gives me an inexplicable..deeply satisfying feeling. I like it.
In conclusion, jc life was most definitely boot camp. It was made way, way worse then due to my failing relationship with my now-ex. He was extremely depressed, which made me depressed too, and followed by the heavy workload, it became too much such that at one point I even took antidepressants to ease my days. However, I also learnt priceless lessons, albeit painstakingly. I learnt to be passionate about the world we live in, keep an open mind, perform my best each time and cultivate a better character. I can truly say I've matured greatly from it, and have become a much better person than I was. I love myself much more now and hence, gained much self confidence. So, yes, if I have the power to go back, I would definitely choose the same path again.
End of reflection. =)
Sidenote:
This is the first time I actually poured my heart publicly. I'm doing so because I believe that most of you wouldn't judge me..not my close friends anyway <3. I cherish you guys, especially weiting and eleanor, who have been my best friends for years and have been there for me even though I wasn't a good friend to both of you. Thank you. Thank you shi for accepting me for who I am. And last but definitely not least..to the rest of you..thanks for being my friend! Have a greattttt day ^^v ~~
Henry Enriquez.
Sherry Halligan.
Osama bin laden
nuff' said?
First time seeing Pat on webcam =D
Happy Valentine's/late 2nd month xD
Pat on our first movie together ^^
Me making a fool outa myself on the auditionSEA star search competition
Married on auditionSEA xD